Round of 2: "The Coronation Round" - May 24
Gordon: This is Gordon Pepper...
Chico: This is Chico Alexander...
Gordon: And whether you are a member of the Soul Patrol or the Kat Pack, we
welcome you to the Finale of American Idol!
Joe: Attention all hands...Admiral Anaheim of the Soul Patrol is on deck. :D
Jason: Oh boy.
Gordon: We welcome Joe Van Ginkel - AKA. Admiral Anaheim.
Jason: You saw the final last night.
Joe: Yes I did. Kat was good. Taylor was better.
Gordon: We also introduce Major Don Harpwood to the dance. Welcome, Major Donut!
Don: Hello! And I agree that Taylor definitely did better last night.
Gordon: Next up in the army of watchers is the General, Grandma Pepper!
Jason: Hello Grandma Pepper!
Joe: Grandma's in da hizzouse. :D
Grandma Pepper: This is it, and we can only guess who is going to win.
Jason: I don't think there is much guessing here.
Chico: This was Taylor's to start... and to finish, too.
Grandma Pepper: I guess not, since I also think that Taylor is going to win
Jason: I know you are a big fan of Kat, Grandma. Why do you think Taylor is
going to win?
Grandma Pepper: Because at this point in time, I think it's his.
Gordon: And finally, the person who has been consistently...wrong, it's
Private Jason Block.
Jason: Oh well. I have been watching the live pre-show from LA and Katharine
admitted she got a shot because she lost her voice. We are watching the
pre-tapes during the pre-game show with Elliott, Bucky and Ace.
Gordon: We also get Taylor, who says that both of them sang well (what a
gentleman) as well as Kellie, who finally got to see her father out of prison.
Chico: Tired. Next?
Gordon: Ace, who is wearing a .com advertisement on his shirt, says that the
finals will be stress free (well, maybe for him), while Bucky is talking about
performing for his fans.
Jason: Carrie, in another pre-tape, acknowledges her 2 Academy of Country
Music Award wins, and likes being on this side of the camera. She is also
with Taylor and Kat.
Gordon: What a difference a year makes.
Jason: Amen. Simon and Randy do a quick live bit where there was playful
banter. After that, we see Bo Derek in a pre-tape, and shills the MyNetwork.
Gordon: Bo Derek gets to start in Fashion House: Secret Obsessions. You
Jason: No. Even though she still looks good.
Grandma Pepper: No.
Gordon: I am happy that Bo has a new job. Too bad the 3 months will probably
also be how long the network lasts. This is being touted as a new form of
entertainment. Explain this to the am soap operas.
Jason: We see a pretape of Chris Daughtry and his wife. Chris is still
Gordon: Daughtry is asked if he is going to sing for Fuel. Daughtry says that
he isn't in a position to make a decision - and due to the Idol contract, he
can't until the tour is over. Chris's wife says that it was a great day when
he got the yellow acceptance paper - because he didn't get on her nerves. Nice
girl, Daughtry's wife is.
Chico: Really, because I heard from the local radio station that Daughtry isn't
going to sing for Fuel.
Jason: Judge Paula Abdul is next.
Gordon: Paula says that it's going to be a fun show - and that all of the
kids will be coming back.
Jason: We see Constantine Maroulis in a pre-tape.
Gordon: Constantine says that it was Taylor's room, but Kat was beautiful and
will have a great career.
Jason: He claims he wasn't bitter.
Gordon: He's got a ton of offers. I wouldn't be bitter either.
Jason: We see Kat's Parents.
Gordon: Meanwhile, the host of Good Day L.A., Steve Edwards decides to mangle
the name of Dan McPhee's daughter, and also adding that all that he has
left to do is die. Wha?
Jason: He is an Idiot.
Gordon: Kat's mom brings us back into sanity and says that McPhee has a lot
going on in her future. Steve calls Dan (the real name) names such as Ed and
Mike. Joe, please explain to me what's in the Californian water.
Jason: Yes, please.
Joe: Heck if I know what's in the water, Gordon. Doesn't bother me any.
Gordon: And mercifully, the pregame is over.
Jason: We are live...and Carrie opens the show.
Gordon: Along with Taylor and Katharine, as they all sing together.
Jason: They sing "I Made It Through the Rain".
Gordon: The backup choir should look familiar - it's the other 10 finalists
who return for one more song.
Don: That was nice.
Jason: Very nice.
Gordon: Yep - we finally get a nice group medley
Grandma Pepper: Great beginning. Loved it.
Gordon: We have a world wide estimated audience of over 200 million. We start
the introductions with a season recap of the judges. We start with Randy
Jackson and a clip of him saying 'Dude'
Jason: Dude! WOOF WOOF
Chico: In the background: "Another One Bites the Dust."
Jason: And We have the "emotional one" Paula Abdul!
Gordon: Arguing with Simon as we get Whitney Houston's 'So Emotional' In the
Joe: WHOO! AI's resident MILF!
Gordon: And with an intro of Rod Stewart's Do You Think I'm sexy, we have Simon Cowell.
Jason: He is giving himself lots of 10's. And we give a shout out to Ricky
Minor and the Band. My dad loves them.
Chico: With that, we have some guests, some special performances, and of course,
the result of what happens when you split a country into McPheevers and Soul
Gordon: We have the O'Donohue Twins narrating the action as we get to see
all of the people who dyed their hair gray in Birmingham.
Joe: WHOO O'DONOHUE TWINS!
Chico: "And it's all for the you know what, the SOUL PATROL!"
Gordon: Meanwhile, the Kat Pack is in Universal City with Tamyra Gray.
Chico: The epicenter of McPheever.
Gordon: And it's now Idol with Idols...starting with Paris Bennett and Al
Chico: "We're In This Love Together" the song.
Gordon: They sound good.
Jason: They do.
Grandma Pepper: I always loved little Paris as a performer. It's a joy to
watch her on stage.
Jason: Paris has big things ahead of her.
Don: Cool performance. Alright.
Chico: Next up, Chris Daughty and his idols, Live. They're singing "Mystery".
Gordon: And just to show all of us that we could be seeing a Paris
Hilton-light sequel to The Simple Life, American Idol present 'Puck and
featuring Wolfgang Puck cooking for Kellie Pickler.
Grandma Pepper: KELLIE!!
Chico: This is what he retired Iron Chef for?
Don: What the...?
Gordon: The first dish for Kellie to try? Snails! Yummy!
Jason: She try to eat Escargot. She spits it out.
Don: I thought she'd have just plain thrown up there.
Jason: Katharine McPhee and Meat Loaf sing "It's All Coming Back To Me Now".
Gordon: Meatloaf has had better singing days.
Gordon: I'm sending this Meatloaf back to Gordon Ramsay's kitchen. Tell
Wolfgang Puck that this Meatloaf is way too raw.
Chico: Way to milk a metaphor, G.
Gordon: I think you needed to stick him in the oven for another 30 minutes
and cover his voice with alum
Don: Kat still sounds great, though.
Jason: Yes...but he was horrible.
Grandma Pepper: She's still my Kat. I wish there were a tie tonight.
Joe: Somehow I doubt that.
Gordon: It's time for American Idol's version of their music awards called
The Golden Idols.
Jason: (Sponsored by Ford and Coca-Cola)
Chico: Moral of the story... can't make any award shows (ahem, Kelly'sgrammy),
give out your own.
Gordon: We start with outstanding female vocals.
Don: Heh, I think I see where this is going.
Gordon: Outstanding Vocals - Cierra Johnson (emotionless Jazz singing),
Crystal Parizansky (Suntanned Girl who sours the jam on Lady Marmalade) and
Princess Brewer (who claims to be Aretha Franklin - of course, she doesn't sing
Aretha Franklin song and sounds more like Benjamin Franklin.
Jason: or Franklin Pierce. That's ear bleeding.
Gordon: Princess Brewer wins...and doesn't show up for the award.
Chico: No surprise there.
Jason: Now we have the Males...Marlos Davis who butchers Alicia Keys...
Gordon: Derek Dupree...who does a half rap, half sing, all crap.
Jason: And Crazy Dave Hoover...
Gordon: ...who somehow made it past the first round. I'm sure the judges
regretted that one.
Gordon: I say Hoover wins this one in a walk - just because I would expect
him to show up.
Jason: The winner is Dave Hoover...and he does show up!
Don: This is so funny...
Jason: Oh boy.
Gordon: He comes out barefoot and jumps into his newly self-made mosh pit.
Jason: That was pretty funny.
Grandma Pepper: Pure schtick
Jason: You need schtick to fill 2 hours.
Chico: When you take 2 hours to make a 5 minute announcement.
Gordon: At least he has a good sport on it - or he strung himself out on acid
Jason: How about both.
Gordon: Judges? (DING)
Jason: Score 1 for the man in Brooklyn. And we have another 'Puck N Pickler"
Gordon: Kellie gets to eat a lobster. Too bad it's still living when it gets
to her table.
Jason: She jumps out of her chair when she sees that they are live. Pickler
is freaking out.
Gordon: Wolfgang gives her a fork. Bon Appetit!
Jason: Back to the music. Ace, Bucky, Elliott, Kevin and Chris "Take Care of
Business" from BTO. Taylor plays the Harp as we switch to "Tobacco Road"
Chico: Mmmm... Matrix background.
Gordon: We get another chance to "Don't Stop Thinking about Tomorrow".
Jason: And they sound great. That was fun.
Don: It sure was.
Grandma Pepper: Makes you wonder Why they can't all win.
Gordon: One last Ford Commercial. We have Kat and Taylor in a car, watching
all of the previous clips.
Chico: That's nice. They should get those...
Jason: Nice. Kat and Taylor get Mustang Convertibles! Yeah baby!
Jason: More of the Golden Idols. This award is Most Emotional Moment.
Gordon: Elliott's Mom, Katharine's Dad, or Chris's wife. Elliott's Mom wins.
Jason: Elliott mom introduces Elliott, who is next on stage, singing "One" by
U2...and Mary J. Blige duets with him!
Don: That rocked!
Jason: Yes it did.
Grandma Pepper: That was great
Gordon: I've been very impressed with caliber of the music so far tonight. I
am not so sure if I am going to be impressed with what will be coming to FOX -
Simon Cowell's Duets, with 8 celebrities and 8 singers. Should
Jason: Carrie Underwood is up next. Carrie is singing her new single. This
is track 2 on her album, "Don't Forget to Remember Me". Great great stuff.
Chico: This would be her third single. Not bad.
Gordon: Not as nice, the most eloquent award, which goes to...
Jason: Rhonetta Johnson. Oh boy.
Gordon: Rhonetta, to refresh everyone's memory, spewed a list of obscenities
before and after her audition.
Chico: Not a proud moment for Greensboro.
Jason: WOW! Nice dig.
Gordon: Ryan says that Rhonetta is working...and we see her, in her same
skimpy silver outfit during her auditions, sort of live with the award.
Chico: Holy (^_^)!!!
Jason: And she makes fun of herself....that was funny.
Gordon: We next go to Taylor Hicks.
Jason: Singing "In the Ghetto" with...Toni Braxton.
Gordon: Toni looks pretty nice. The music was good, too.
Jason: That was...just ok.
Grandma Pepper: When Taylor gets behind the mike, the charisma comes through.
Jason: The girls sing "Man I Feel Like A Woman" by Shania Twain.
Gordon: Next up is Katharine McPhee, as she sings with the ladies.
Jason: Then we go into "Evil"
Gordon: and then 'W-o-m-a-n'
Jason: and we finish with "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman" and "I'm
Grandma Pepper: Again, makes you wish...
Jason: Best Impersonation...Kenneth Macarone as Cher, Seth Strickland as
Michael Jackson, and Michael Sandeski as "The Next Clay Aiken"
Jason: Micahel Sandeski wins.
Don: Oh geez, he's singing live...
Gordon: He does accept the award and sings - with the screaming crowd behind
him. However, the crowd screams because unbeknownst to him, the REAL Clay
Aiken is behind him. So Michael turns around and is stunned that Clay is there.
And he is there, looking very eerily like Elton John. He sings, as a shocked
Michael is behind him. They sing the duet together.
Chico: With the real Clay Aiken. Stark contrast. And I'm not talking about
Michael and Clay. I'm talking about Clay three years ago, and Clay now. Goth
Jason: And Clay comes out. So to speak.
Joe: Ha! I knew he'd show up.
Jason: He looks like Pee Wee Herman.
Don: I didn't recognize him at first...
Joe: Make with "Tequila!"
Jason: And that hair cut...yipe.
Gordon: How appropriate - or ironic - is Clay singing Elton John?
Jason: Very. We have now a memory of Burt Bacharach classics with the
finalists...with Burt playing. Kat and Taylor start with "What the World Needs
and Melissa sing "The Look of Love". Next we have Kellie singing "What
Do You Get When You Fall in Love". Bucky sings "Raindrops Keep Falling on My
Mandisa, Paris, Kellie and Melissa "Say A Little Prayer" for all of us.
Gordon: Lisa wants to ask Alfie what's it all about.
Joe: Where's Jude Law? :D
Gordon: He's watching Elliott sing 'A House is Not a Home'
Jason: Kevin asks "What's New Pussycat?" Chris Ace and Kevin sing "Arthur's
Theme" Paris sings "Close To You"...and she announces Dionne Warwick, who
sings "Walk on By", and then goes into "That's What Friends are For" Unreal.
Grandma Pepper: Now THAT was something else.
Gordon: Despite the last note by Dionne, it was outstanding. We have one
FINAL Golden Idol Award.
Jason: Best Male Bonding award...with Ace and Chris, Ryan and Chris, but the
winner is..."The Brokenote Cowboys"
Jason: Brokenote Cowboys sing "Mamas Don't Let your Babies Grow Up to
Gordon: Any shot that Big and Rich will show up and bail us out of this mess?
Don: Doesn't look like it.
Chico: Okay, that's the end of the schtick portion of the show, when we return,
the... wait a sec, why are the big doors opening?
Don: Is that... Prince?
Jason: Holy sh(bleep), it is PRINCE!
Gordon: Looks like those rumors that Prince would be on Idol weren't so far
off after all.
Jason: I am stoked.
Jason: I am stunned! And wow.
Gordon: Any shot of Sway Penala coming in to sing with him?
Jason: Probably not. The songs he sang were "Lolita" and "Satisfied" from
his new album 3121. And he walks off like the cocky ass he is! I love it.
Chico: Heh. Coke Commercial: "We'll make this quick. Please drink Coke. Now tell
us the winner, Seacrest!"
Jason: After the break, Kat and Taylor sing "I've Had the Time of Life" by
Jennifer Warren and Bill Medley.
Joe: Perfect song choice.
Gordon: Great song choice - and with no one singing last, who knows who wins.
After the performance, Ryan calls them both over, where he announced that
63.4 million votes were cast.
Don: Whoa! So many votes!
Gordon: More than any president has ever received...sort of sad, ain't it?
Jason: Yes. We get the president of the TeleScope Company, Edward
Bottington. And he certifies
Chico: Of which are in that envelope.
Gordon: And the winner is...
Chico: Wait, Gordon.. Ryan gets paid big money to do this... Let's give it to
"The winner... of American Idol, season five
is.... TAYLOR HICKS!"
Jason: SOUL PATROL!
Gordon: The Soul Patrol comes through.
Jason: David Hasselhoff is crying!
Chico: They are going crazy in Birmingham tonight!
Gordon: Taylor screams for the Patrol, while Katharine thanks everyone for
her being there.
Jason: So why did Taylor win, Gordon?
Gordon: Most consistent singer this season, and quite frankly, he dusted
Katharine last night.
Jason: Best winner ever?
Gordon: I would place him up there among the elite.
Chico: Now onto the coronation performance of "Do I Make You Proud" (that would
be a "yes", by the way), available in stores and on download in June.
Gordon: As he sings us out...any
Don: Awesome finale. And congrats to Taylor!
Grandma Pepper: In saying Godspeed to another season tonight, I would like
all of the member of the panel to know what a fun time I've had! I am hoping
too, that you grannies were, for the most part, on the same wavelength as I, and
have also had a fun time, in spite of the upsets and the nail biting. Kudos to
you, for not underestimating our most important contribution - the vote -
because unless we do, we can't complain if they don't remain. Congrats to
and to you all, the same, until we meet again. PS. This granny voter
recognizes tears of parental pride. So a little advice - save them for the
you'll need shortly when Kat has the number one best selling album.
Chico: Taylor has been given an incredible gift by the American people. Now the
onus is on him... AND Katharine... AND Chris... AND Paris... AND Elliott... AND
anyone else who gets a deal out of this... to do the right thing, do right by
his fans, and do right by the people who put them there, the viewing audience.
This was clearly a season in which anyone could win so long as they dared to
dream. And that's what American Idol is all about, a dream and a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and we thank you for letting us deliver it to
you each week.
Jason: Taylor is living the American Dream. This was the best Idol ever, the
best finale. And we want Grandma Pepper back next year! To Taylor and
Katharine, good luck, God Bless and you both deserve success.
Gordon: So far everyone, this is Gordon Pepper, who is about to pick up a
sushi dinner and a dessert from Jason Block, and then my own award as American
Idol points champion for the second straight year. Game Over, spread the
Jason: ...and support the people who you voted for buy buying the CD!
Gordon: That's right
Chico: One more time... Taylor Hicks, your American Idol... SOUL PATROL!