(Gordongram: some of the acts that you are
about to read involve real danger in front of a live audience. They were
designed, practiced, and supervised by professionals, taking the
contestants' safety into full account. They are extremely dangerous and
should NEVER be attempted anywhere, by anyone, at any time)
Who wants some talent from Texas? Well,
me neither, but we're off to the Lone Star State for some talent
Dan Mink / Melody Joy aka. the Rhinestone
Ropers. They start with Dan throwing knives at Melody and shooting
balloons around her. Next they put her on a spinning wheel as Dan throws
knives around her. Finally, she shoots mini water balloons while she's
spinning. Million Dollar Act? No. Good enough to go to Vegas? Yes, and
they get 3 Yes's.
Mona Lisa (29) - They are singing twins that get a quick blurb and a
Charles Peachoek (35) - It's juggling in the dark. The judges like it.
Who am I to argue.
Perfect Angels (22-36) - They are young, fun, and full of...acrobatic
moves, as well as cleavage.
Daniel Joseph Baker (19) - He wants to entertain, sing and play the
piano. He compares himself to Lady Gaga and Christina Aguilera. If a guy
starts comparing himself to female singers, that's usually trouble. Plus
it's 15 minutes in and we haven't had a XXX yet on the show. He sings
'Bad Romance', and he actually sounds good. He could continue on this
competition, but he has to get different material, if just to make Nick
Cannon stop dancing. Piers nails it that he's going to polarize
audiences - but he liked it. He gets 3 Yes's and it's off to Vegas for
Jay Maynard (The Tron Guy) - He considers himself an internet celebrity.
23 minutes in and we don't have a 'XXX', but I'm sensing that will
change very soon - especially as his 'act' is talking about his life.
Piers and Sharon give him the Double X, while Howie tortures the
audience a little, then puts us all out of his misery. We get our first
'See ya' of the evening.
Sando Trio Russian Bar - She promises that we have never seen this
before. Actually, if you watches Season 4, you HAVE seen this before,
and I remember seeing this when they auditioned in NYC. Or maybe not
them, but someone else that did the same thing, which is doing flips on
a long bar - thogh this time, they added music (vs. when I was there 2
years ago and they didn't have music). When I was in NYC, they got 3
straight yes's. They do get 3 yes's there, so history does repeat
Status B.L.A.K. - We get our first awful R&B group, complete with
Johnny DiDomenico (38) - He's a celebrity impersonator who impersonator
- badly. Howie: 'This is the first time I didn't like me...No Deal.'
Asian James Brown - I don't really to waste your time or mine describing
Danny Shay - She's 22 years old and he looks like Justin Bieber, but
SHE'S not. (Emphasizing the SHE). Creepy. She's got a guitar and sings a
parody of 'Baby'. It's cute and should get her to Vegas. It will.
ID Dance Company - It's Latino Las Vegas Men - and Women - who get a
Tanner Edwards (6) - He's a 6 year old dancer who does baby breaking as
well as some grown up moves. It's impressive for a 6 year old. I don't
know if he breaks the Top 40, but he'll make it to the Vegas rounds. And
Nick Cannon dances with him...wait a sec. What did I say about Nick
Cannon dancing? Ugh.
Darren Taylor - his talent is to jump from the top of the stage (26 feet
up) onto a standard kids wading pool. Umm...wha? He attempts it from 25
feet - and hits it perfectly. For that (and the promise that he'll go
for 36 feet and attempt a new world's record), he gets 3 Yes's. I
suspect we'll see him on the Top 40.
That's hour 1 from Houston. We'll now start hour 2 from...
....sort of. Its time for a blizzard. But
the Minneapolitans are there (at least I think so - that was clearly the
Asian Jackie Chan up there). We have Howie and Sharon and...no Piers,
who's stuck in the snow. However, it gets harder, because one no from
either Howie or Sharon, and the journey ends here.
Sara Hoft and Echo - Echo is a parrot who talks and sings. That's VERY
impressive - probably the best pet act I've seen ever on the history of
the show. She's the first of the 2 Yes's and they sing into Las Vegas.
Mrs. Smith (36) - She's in drag and plays a mean guitar dressed as a
St. Luke's Bottle Band - Another impressive music act. Sharon, who says
yes, wants to see Piers. Nick Cannon brings out a cardboard cutout of
Piers to get the ambience going.
The Halls of Magic - It's a magic act which features a folded out lady
and some of the cheesiest outfits ever. Still, they get to Vegas.
Any sign of Piers? Not yet...
Lisa Agnes (26) - She wants to do Jazz, Blues and Rock. Her fiancÚ died
2 years ago and it's time to sing again. Her song selection is 'Ave
Maria'. Or in the words of Jason Block, who's watching this with me,
'Let's see. Sad story. Check. Video Package, Check. Talent to back it
up...way check. Top 5 Lock? If she continues to bring it...yes.'
You're getting almost as cynical as I am, son.
I'm not in love with the song choice (as we've seen it done 1,000 times
before), but she gets the easy invite to Vegas.
Viva La Muerte (28) - It's a burlesque midget stripper. She's going to
get in, which could be the last free pass.
...because Piers is back.
Those Funny Little People. We have little dancing gnomes which are
welcomed by a buzz from Piers. Piers says no, but gets overruled by
Howie and Sharon. As the Gnomes invade Piers' dressing room, Piers
states, "We're not putting through idiotic acts." It's a good thing he
wasn't around for the burlesque midget.
Gasmask 90 - He's covered in mud, wearing shots and being doused in fire
extinguishers. Now why wouldn't the judges like it? XXX
Miss Cherries Jubilee - It's a dancing and piercing combo act. It's as
painful to watch as it is to probably feel.
Sid Yiddush - He sings Tubism. I don't have a translator for his lyrics.
Walt Winston - He's a folk musician with 70 #1 singles. The singles are
on am unauthorized site. He says he's done 28 albums and this can only
end badly. He sings 'Truck Drivers Aren't Supposed to Cry'. I'm crying
in pain. The judges buzz him out. Howie tries to get a verse in but him
and Nick's singing is even worse than his dancing. Recappers aren't
supposed to cry, which is good, because I'm not crying. I'm puking.
The Silhouettes - 38 kids from Denver. To stay on the team, they have to
maintain a 3.0. They dance behind a screen to make images and spell
words. That is very cool and I'll be shocked it they don't make the Top
40. They get 3 Yes's and if they keep this up, they could be a dark
horse to win the whole thing.
We are approaching the end of the show, we approach Tim Ford, who
creates Chain Reaction items. He's called the 'Kinetic King'. and he did
a domino chain reaction with tongue depressors. He wears a towel to
protect himself from 'Safe Sticks' and he wants to get a mansion in
Kauai with Playboy bunnies and watch Buster Keaton movies. I'm not
making it up. We'll see him in Vegas.
We'll see more people who have Vegas potential next week.
To see tonight's episode in its entirety,
or to apply to be a contestant on the next season, go to